Holistic local sustainability; food, water, energy, money, people

English Spelling


The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”, Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”, making words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e” is disgrasful.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREAM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

Herr Schmidt

Source: https://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/jokes/european-commission.html

The above is a joke circulating the Internet – especially around Europe – whose source is unknown (to me, at least) despite some efforts to find out. Some jokes contain the kernel of a seriously good idea, such as when the phrase “His Majesty’s Opposition” was first used in jest in the English parliament to much amusement. The above is such an idea, and therefore I have modified it HERE based on my 30 year career in English linguistics (Aston University, Master of Science in Education).

5 comments on “English Spelling

  1. Nona cole
    May 19, 2016

    Vel,Der u r, Es ist Mir ganz eagal. Nonna. Non. Nonna pops. Nona. Nonnie
    pepper. Actually all computers wifi have to. Be modified.. This one insists on doing its own thing .

  2. Equanimity Foundation
    September 16, 2016

    Ha ha. Translation of Nona’s comment:
    “Well, there you are. Dein ist mein ganzes Herz.” (You are My Heart’s Delight, as sung by Richard Tauber).
    The ‘pepper’ and wifi references are a mystery that only the most cunning can decypher from the depths of Nonna’s complex mind.

  3. Pingback: New English Spelling | Equanimity

  4. Prune
    August 24, 2020

    The eldest source I know is “Meihem in Ce Klasrum” by Dolton Edwards, 1946.
    “Circulating the Internet” is, itself, a joke, given the age. You just have to ask an ancient grammarian (or gramparian, in my case).

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